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It's been awhile

Notice how this is almost always the titles of my entries.

So today was kind of a crazy day. Thanks to everyone who asked and comforted me... I know what my God has planned for me. (At least, I sorta do.)

One thing I figured out today: the infamous tattoo! Yes sir, the one I have been talking about getting for over two years. I'm basically a wuss and keep chickening out and coming up with the excuse that I didn't know what to get. (Ok, so that last point was kind of true.) I think I want to get that one on my wrist, even though it's gonna hurt like hell with my bony wrists and all. It'll be a cursive font with the phrase "everything starts where it ends" all as one continuious line. I'm kind of pumped. It's now just my prepping myself for it. Knowing me, this could take another year, but we'll see...

I'm putting off doing my Cather in the Rye essay. It's not due until 1:20 tomorrow afty, so I'm just going to do it at lunch I think. Yea, that sounds good. Especially if Espanol gets out early enough. That'd be sweet.

Eeps. Ok, I'm going back on facebook. Let's hope I don't spend TOO long there. HAH!


Done it again

I keep doing this, getting myself angry over things. I wonder if I have a reason to get myself worked up over stuff. I'm trying really hard to start turning my head off and my attitude off. I just am so...hurt. Confused. Hopeful that I'm just crazy.

Maybe things will look up. I suppose I have to stop obsessing and start praying.

I can't help it

It's like I enjoy feeding myself pain and heartache. I somehow manage to be very happy for quite some time. Then I just hurt myself. But I can't stop thinking about what my mom said the other day... But I just can't say. "Could you stop that please? It really upsets me." That isn't fair at all.

I shouldn't feel badly about it. But I do. And I will continue to do so. I guess it's just scary. I'm insecure.

I'm lonely. I'm not making it any better on myself. What I need is a hug, and at this moment that won't be possible.

I wish I could stall time.

It's been awhile

Sooooo yea. I haven't written in ages, not like anyone really wonders what goes on in my life.

Here's the overview-
I work. Basically this is all I do. I work and eat and sleep. I sleep a lot on days I don't work. In fact, on days I do not work, I sleep like it's my job. Honestly.

I also occassionally hang out with lovely people. But only if they plan in advance because I have zip in the free time dept. due to work. So ya'll need to let me know the next available dates to hang out.

I have most evenings open... so schedule in advance! =P

That's basically it. My life isn't all that interesting. I'd much rather hear about yours.


On Religion

(Something on my mind, something I pulled from my personal journal. I've just been doing some thinking is all...)

My relationship with God is really a personal one. I think some people would be appalled at the way I pray. If anyone listened, they'd be like, "Who are you talking to?" I typically pray as though I'm talking to my best friend. Which is something that I think is a lovely thing and the way that it should be. For me, God is my best friend and my father and my savior. I pray to him mostly like, "Hey God. What's up? I've pretty much had a fantastic day, thank you very much!" etc. etc.

I also am a very firm supporter of gay rights. And to me, I can't understand why a God who loves his children would make his child gay and then condemn them to Hell. That's just something that I don't understand. I know gay people who have amazing relationships with God because they love him and know that he loves them too.

Here's my take on the Bible. God may have inspired people to write the Bible, but the truth of the matter is that man wrote the Bible. It's very possible that bias was a part of writing the Bible. I feel like there are some mistakes. It's like the story of the two people crucified with Jesus, and the conversation between them and Jesus. I love that story and it is overlooked by Mark and Matthew, who tell of Jesus's death in detail. Luke, on the other hand, discusses it. And the robber says, "Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom." (Luke 23:43) And this is what is said at the Stations of the Cross. But yet Mark and Matthew leave this story out. I think it's important...and just one example of how the Bible wavers. Plus there's that whole thing about the number of people who wrote for the Bible and the editor who had to pick and choose. That would be fun to research.

Which is something that the DaVinci code brings up. Trust me, I am completely aware that it's fictional. And I'm totally cool with that. But it talks and thinks like I do, and what made me laugh is the amount of people who attacked it. It's like, I can separate fact and fiction. But speculation is part of this whole thing. Wondering plays a role. I guess I don't see what the big deal is about Mary Magdalene? Why couldn't Jesus have had a wife? A child? I don't understand the big deal. Because we are allowed to be in love...God and Jesus understands all of our emotions. I feel like they know love too. And perhaps so on a very personal relationship. I'd like to believe that Jesus knows that love and that perhaps Mary Magdalene was a little bit edited. It's a possibility. I think.
I mean, why shouldn’t a man who is preaching God’s word be able to end his mass and go home to a wife and kids? He would be demonstrating the love of God. I feel like God deserves love—Jesus deserved to have that love. He was part human after all. Would God want his people to never feel love, other than His? I feel like that is being really selfish and I don’t think God would do that to people. “Here, teach my word that says you should love people and feel love and know love and yet you can only love me!” I don’t think He’d do that…

Next bit is simply that I've thought a bit about becoming Catholic. I thought about it when Danielle became Catholic. I've been thinking more about it recently because of Peter and I talking. And also us not talking...his example is a lot too. And here's some of my thoughts on being Catholic.

It's a little structured and I like that because I am intimidated by churches where people raise their hands and cry and stuff. But I don't like feeling like I'm in a cult either, which is something I've felt about Catholic services. You've got to repeat everything. My idea of going to church is someone talking, perhaps saying, "this passage may mean this, and look what we can learn from it." I like listening to people sing, but I don't need to learn the words...I am the sort who would love to sit in the back of church, practically unnoticed, and pray silently. To me, God and I are so close that I need to have that one on one thing, and a group is awesome, but I just need to be with Him like that.

I also am not such a fan of confession. Because of my relationship with God, I don't need a middle man. I talk with God all the time. I let God know I'm feeling horrible for my sins. I repent almost immediately. I've been making a huge effort to keep that in check, just as everyone else does. But like I said before, a middle man isn't necessary for me to confess. My knees are all I need for that. And I know God has told me that that is fine. So I guess I just don't feel like the Catholic church needs to tell me that I need to confess in the way they want me to.

It's like the idea of church too. I don't feel like I need to be in a church to worship my god. I feel God more when I'm in the woods. Like last night. I just feel God emanating from the trees, the ground, the sky, the moon. I can't believe that people don't feel that. It's just...I feel it in my hands. It's such an amazing feeling. And that's where my God and I are joined fully. That is where I worship best.

I guess I would probably love to have a community to be in. A community to raise my kids in when I start a family. I would love to and will raise my children to know my God. And I guess that's something I think about too. I never felt like my mother was someone who was hypocritical about her relationship. My mom was Catholic, but never raised us Catholic. I sort of wish that I'd been baptized, simply because I feel like I'm looked down upon...

Wait a minute. I don't, or I won't anymore, feel looked down upon. I've been baptized in God by giving myself twice to Him. I want to make it official at one point, and that'll be the third time. I just... God and I have talked about this and figured that at one point I will choose a denomination to be baptized under. And that's why I have these circular debates.

I've just been thinking about it all. I think that God has blessed me. I think about all the things that God has given me...the people, and the gifts as well. I can make such a difference in this world. And God has given me gifts: power, drive, passion, love, compassion, healing. I'm thankful for those right now. And I will know one day soon how to go about this. Until then, I'm praying and enjoying the life God's given me. We'll work the details out as we go.

(I'd love to know your thoughts.)

Thank you!

Thank you everyone for all the lovely birthday wishes! It made me smile and that was one of the greatest gifts I could have!

Thanks also to the text messages and singing birthday calls I got! =)

I hope everyone is enjoying the weekend. If anyone wants to hang out in the upcoming week, let me know! I believe I'm open Thursday and Friday of next week?

Love you all!

I'm not normal

Why is it that at any given time of the day I can live within a fantasy world in my head? I can make stuff up, create truths from something that never quite happened, convince myself of things, write stories, poems, and other good things in my head? How is it that I can convince myself that my life is a movie and that at that one point, the director is going to have to yell "Cut!" or "That's a wrap!" And the lights would fade on the set, I'd go home, and I'd be normal for god's sake.

But no, I can't be a normal person. I am so positive that I live a movie life that when something gets bad or reality hits, I suddenly am blocked from every fantasy world I've ever had. My mind can't even process reality and I'm frozen, curled in a ball on my bed, hoping that maybe soon things will be clearer.

There are so many times this happens to me. I often wonder where my mind goes. It's quite odd.

I get to hang out with Miss Amber Novinski today, so I'm way excited. I'm going to give her a call soon. At least something can make this gloomy Thursday turn around.

Because my dreams last night didn't help at all. I had odd dreams and of course I remembered details of many of them. It was way odd.

Odd seems to be the word of the day. Eeps.

I'm gonna go read a bit before calling Ambie. Trying to get my life together again. Because I knock it to pieces in too many ways.

Feeling a tiny bit better

Yesterday I started to get sick and it was terrible. My ears were ringing at Oniquia's bonfire and I had to leave before it barely got started. I felt terrible. My head started to hurt, and sleeping was hell. My body just hurt in general. So today I thought I'd be fine and went to Gram's for our Mother's day thing but I just barely ate and wanted to die. So I drove home and fell asleep on the couch for an hour or something.

I've been feeling better since I took some medicine and slept a little. I dunno how work'll be tomrrow. I hope it gets better. I'm supposed to hang out with Peter after work tomorrow too, so I hope that I feel better for that. I hate being sick and out because I occassionally feel like I'm making people miserable.

I love Shrek. It's on tv right now and mom and I are watching it. =) The third one comes out on my birthday. I'm not all that excited about my birthday, but I did ask for some good stuff. Music and Lyrics and a peace sign pendent. So that's cool.

I need to sneeze.

I think I'm going to play on the sims for a bit. Create a few people because that's always fun.

Singing with the rain

I have loved the rain today. It's been really nice. It was comforting. I had today to sit and chill. I played Paper Mario on the Wii for five hours. I really like it! It's so much fun!

Eh. The person on American Idol is slaughtering "Living on a Prayer." It's hurting my heart.

I didn't get around to writing today...I may make an attempt at it tonight. I also wanted to read but whatever.

Tomorrow I'm pretty booked solid, which is fun. Except like, 6 of those hours I'll be working. Ick. And I bet you any money two of those hours will be in the Nook. Doing nothing. Because like, nobody even comes there. I seriously waste my life. But maybe I'll just try to bring a notebook or something. I'm getting sick of drawing while up there.

OH. I have a cd to be burning! Maybe that's what I'll do right now!!

And Peter? I'm not changing the title. I happen to like it.

Love ya'll-


I'm chilling here eatting a blue popsicle like I haven't in ages. It's so yummy!!

And guess what all? I've finally done it. I've gained back everything I lost and am working on eatting good, but healthy for me. I've been eatting eggs in the morning and bacon for lunch. And an occasionaly turkey or chicken salad sandwich. I've been trying to eat more chicken and fish. And I finally did it.

It's so cool how I've gotten a rush from *gaining* weight! I stepped on the scale and burst into smiles at the big number! I'm getting there. I'm feeling better about myself. More healthy. More normal.

I've got an exam tomorrow morning I need to start studying for a little. I've lost half my questions though and need to borrow them from Peter tomorrow morning in order to study. I'm going to go work on the page or so I've got here.

Here's to gaining weight and getting good grades! I'll toast to that.

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September 2007


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